“My four-year-old daughter used to throw a lot of tantrums. I couldn’t stand them anymore. Before I started feeling parental burnout, I had a really good relationship with her, but suddenly every time she started screaming and crying my brain hurt”.
“So yeah, when she had a tantrum, I would start screaming hysterically too. I turned very violent, I used to say horrible things to her. It was very strong verbal violence and I tried to contain myself so as not to hit her, but several times I just wanted to kill her”.
“One day she didn’t want to take her nap and I couldn’t handle it anymore. At that age she didn’t take naps anymore, I know, but I was so desperate that I wanted her to go to sleep. So I put her on the bed, she hit herself on the edge, she started crying and I really just wanted to smother her”.
This chilling testimony is from a woman named Elisabeth and it’s real. It was shared by Moïra Mikolajczak, professor of medical psychology at the University of Leuven, at the World Parenting Forum, organized by Parenting Global.
“The story ended well. Fortunately, this mother asked for help and went to a psychiatrist. She hired a babysitter who became a safety net between her and her daughter. The mom never really hurt her daughter, but in this case we can see that she came close. If she hadn’t controlled herself or if she hadn’t sought help when she became aware of the thoughts she was having, things would have ended badly”, explained the specialist.
Parental burnout: exhaustion from being parents
Like Elisabeth, there are millions of moms and dads who feel enormous pressure and stress from being parents. It is chronic weariness that cannot be undone.
According to Mikolajczak, Elisabeth had gone to many seminars on respectful parenting, she read books on how to raise her daughter, but she was so tired that she ended up turning this way.
She didn’t know it but she had Parental Fatigue, also known as Parental Burnout.
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What is parental burnout?
When dad and mom reach the limit of their strength and are totally exhausted, with a feeling of emptiness, we can say that we are facing parental exhaustion. They love their children, but the experience of being parents becomes an ordeal.
Why do we reach that limit? What internal and external causes can trigger this chronic exhaustion?
Causes of Parenting Burnout
For Moïra Mikolajczak, although having children has always been stressful, there are many internal and external pressures today that contribute to developing this syndrome. “Many sociologists have identified these pressures, derived from modern life, and I am going to point out six”.
1. Change in gender roles
Today, men are expected to be more involved in parenting. However, women are still in charge of 65 to 70% of the tasks with children, even in countries where men contribute more.
2. Being a father today is a decision and if it is not, it is frustrating
Boys and girls are now much more desired and loved. Thanks to contraceptive methods, it is much easier to decide when we want to be parents. Having so many tools at hand, unwanted motherhood or fatherhood is frustrating.
3. The State can intervene in the upbringing of children
Thanks to the Convention on the Rights of Children in 1989, the rights of the youngest were recognized. This is very positive, but it increased the pressure on parents, who feel that they are exercising their role under the control of the State.
“In the past, the State did not intervene in the family. The institution of the family was powerful by itself. If the parents wanted to correct anything about their children, it was their right. Today spanking is prohibited in many countries. Now when a child misbehaves we have to think about what the appropriate consequence would be. The pressure on parents has increased”.
4. The role of psychologists and parenting recipes
Mikolajczak assures that psychologists also have to accept they can make mistakes because there is no magic recipe for raising children, although they propose some ways.
“We have written many books on how to help be better parents, but this implies that there is a recipe. The reality is that every exchange between parents and children is specific and unique. We can give advice, but it won’t always work with your son or daughter. When parents read these
5. The pressure on social network
One more source of pressure for parents comes from social media. There are sites that offer help, but deliver the opposite effect.
“Exceptional Parenting, Super Moms&Dads, The Ministry of Parenting, Parenting Formula, etc. are sites that offer parents help, but they end up contributing to burnout by putting a lot of pressure on them”, says the psychologist.
Another way social media builds pressure is when we see other people’s lives and think they’re better than our own.
6. Increased individualistic values
The last issue pointed out by the expert is the growth of individualistic values. In the past, being a selfless mother and father was the only thing, there was no room to think about themselves, today that is changing.
“Individualistic values give everyone the right and duty to be happy and think about their own happiness. But parenting is a job of self-sacrifice. Let’s say they are between two contradictory worlds. On the one hand thinking about themselves and on the other about their children. That’s pressure too”.
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Symptoms of Parental Burnout
Adding to that pressure, Mikolajczak says there are personal factors that cause fatigue to accumulate. For example, if the parents have psychological wounds due to a complicated childhood, if they have a child with eating, learning, health, behavioral disorders… Everything accumulates in a kind of pressure cooker.
To identify if a mom or dad is burnout there are four symptoms:
a) Feeling of being fatigued or exhausted:
It is not fatigue because this disappears with a few nights of sleep. It is a chronic exhaustion that consumes all the energy and the little that may remain is kept for oneself.
b) Emotional distance with children
The parents are so overwhelmed that they feel like they’re acting in pilot mode, like robots. They have no energy to invest in a relationship with their children.
c) Loss of pleasure
They are tired of being parents. They say, “I love my children, but I don’t feel any pleasure being with them.” The feeling of irritability predominates, they only like to see how they sleep, they see it as the only time they feel love towards them.
d) Contrast with the mom or dad you are and the one you wanted to be
There comes a point where burnout parents become violent and do not recognize themselves. This creates despair, guilt, grief, shame, and more stress. They just can’t believe how they are in contrast to how they wanted to be.
Consequences of parental burnout
Not all parents with parental burnout will experience these consequences, but they are the most common.
- Irritability
- Feeling guilty
- Shame
- Isolation and loneliness
- As this intensifies, it leads to self-hatred
When the symptoms become more severe, we can begin to see physical illnesses, psychological disorders, alcohol and drug use and suicidal ideation that become more intense.
Suicidal thoughts are more frequent than in other types of burnout or depression because you cannot escape or give up your responsibilities as a parent. If you are unhappy or burnt out at work, you can take a few days off, or you can even quit; here clearly you cannot change your children.
There are also strong consequences for children. Gradually violent behavior towards them increases.
“A worn out parent stops paying attention to his children due to the emotional distance. He may fail to meet his educational or nutritional needs. If you let a teenager cook, there is not so much of a problem, but if you make a 6 or 7-year-old child cook his own food, without any supervision, there is danger”, concludes Mikolajczak.
Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara
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